html> Get For Me Singapore DATING: UNFAITHFULLY YOURS - An article by Lisa Chong, SDS

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       Dating

UNFAITHFULLY YOURS

by Lisa Chong, CHANNELS Magazine

  No human on earth will be able to withstand his or her partner being unfaithful. Being unfaithful brings grief, sorrow and bad memories to both parties. Subsequently, it wreaks untold damage to a person's whole life. He or she might not be able to regain the confidence and trust in future relationships.
  On the lighter side: Love is blind. If you ask me whether one can love two persons at the same time, my answer is YES. Some love exists because you have been together for so long and the relationship has been built on responsibility and commitment. You are still with your partner even when there is no more common interest and goal. The other love is passionate which comes too late. What should you do if you are torn between responsibility and passionate love? Is it wrong to see two persons at the same time? Does it mean that you are the ultimate sinner?
  We got hold of four members, who were involved in love triangles as the hurt party, to reveal how these experiences had moulded their views and attitudes towards love. Next, they shared their heartfelt opinions on whether they would one day be the third party in a relationship. 
How did you react when your partner told you that he/she was seeing someone?
SUSAN: Well, my instant reaction was shock. I never imagined that this could happen to me. I was utterly disappointed that somebody I trusted so much betrayed me.
JAMES: Same here. I had known her for quite some time and it was indeed shocking to hear it coming. Who would have thought that it could happen to a decent guy like me?
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, who would have thought? However, I did the extra step of asking her the reason for seeing the other guy. How did this guy manage to win half of her heart? In what way was he better than me? It is important to know so that I can handle the matter calmly. You ought to be rational.
KELLY: I share the same view as Chris. I was angry at the time but I told myself to find out the reason behind it and how deep their relationship was. Only then would I be able to know the next step of our relationship.
What had you done after cooling down?
CHRISTOPHER: (Jokingly) My evil thoughts told me to win her back and dump her. An eye for an eye. (With serious tone) I tried to find out the root of the problem. It turned out that she had a preference for other types of guys. I accepted her reason and we parted with no squabbles and fights.
JAMES: I asked her as to where I stood in her heart. Frankly, I was prepared to accept her back if she felt her heart was with me. At the same time, I would still let her see the other party. I totally believed that if you could not keep her heart, it was pointless to continue the relationship. In fact, I was glad that it had happened before marriage. It would have caused greater grief if she became my wife.
SUSAN: I wanted to patch back with him. We had shared so much, but I just could not accept his betrayal of my trust.
KELLY: We did patch back, but the trust was so difficult to build up again, so we decided to go our separate ways.
Did it wreak damage on your self-confidence, emotional well-being, physical health and sense of stability and security? If yes, how did you manage to regain them?
KELLY: It wreaked damage to my self-confidence, sense of stability and security. I lost confidence in making decisions and had to consult friends for direction. As for security, I became more possessive even with close female friends. I managed to snap out of it by joining more activities.
CHRISTOPHER: It had definitely affected me as I had put in so much effort. Luckily, my good friends were there for me. Now, I totally believe that friends are just as important in one's life.
SUSAN: (With a bit of sadness) I could not sleep and became temperamental. I even lost a few kilos. My way of handling such situation was to do some soul-searching at a quiet place and after cooling down. I started talking to friends who gave me lots of moral support.
JAMES: Quantitatively speaking, 20% on self-confidence, 80% on emotional well being, 30% on physical health  and 40% on stability and security. I started to concentrate on my career in order to forget the past.
Did this affect your trust and confidence in future relationships?
SUSAN: Yes, and it took me quite a while before I learnt how to trust again.
JAMES: Time had managed to heal. Of course, the support system (friends and families) was very important. I wouldn't know until somebody would come along.
KELLY: Yes. I needed a lot of sincerity.
CHRISTOPHER: It took me a year to forget her. Hanging on to the past for too long a period did not bring me any good. It should not affect my future relationship, as it wouldn't be fair for my future partner.
Do you think your partner had been fair to you in the relationship?
SUSAN, JAMES, KELLY, CHRISTOPHER: Of course not fair! Never give any signal and the news dropped like a bomb. Do you think it is fair?
Have you ever considered confronting the other party?
CHRISTOPHER: I was keen to know what kind of person he was. But, I did not have the chance.
KELLY, SUSAN: The curiosity was there but it wasn't necessary to confront her as the matter was between my boyfriend and me.
JAMES: There was no need to confront unless he turned out to be my close friend or had won my girl's heart with underhand methods. But, thankfully, my buddies are not such people.
Did you think the 3rd party is to blame totally?
JAMES: Nope. In this society, everybody wants the best. I guess she felt better off with the other person.
CHRISTOPHER: Not necessary. It was a change of preference for her and he happened to be the chosen one. 
SUSAN: I guessed the 3rd party did not even know of my existence. How could she be blamed?
KELLY: No. Things just happened and love is something unpredictable. No one knows what will happen in the end.
Would you have stayed with your partner if he/she wants to patch back again?
KELLY: I had, but things did not work out the way I wanted it to.
SUSAN: I would definitely not as I would not want to be hurt again
CHRISTOPHER: Scars can never heal. Some mistakes done cannot be undone.
JAMES: I might, depending on how deep my love for her was at that point in time. But, of course, I would become more wary.
Will you be a 3rd party if you are madly in love with the other woman's boyfriend or other man's girlfriend?
KELLY, SUSAN: Definitely not.
JAMES: Do unto others what you want others to do unto you.
CHRISTOPHER: We have to be realistic. Love is blind. One may fall blindly in love and sometimes, there is no turning back. However, I must stress on the point that after knowing that she is attached, I will check if their relationship is stable. Most importantly, whether the boyfriend has been treating her well. If their relationship is stable as a bull, I will back out immediately.
How would you deter yourself from being one?
KELLY: I will keep a distance from him, but still maintain as friends. I will still go out with him, but not on a single date.
SUSAN: I will still keep him as a close friend because I do believe in platonic friendship. Single date, not a problem. If I do find myself falling in love with him, I will stop seeing him.
JAMES: (Jokingly) Go after her sister. Nah, I guess I will treat her as close friend, like a buddy.
Are you willing to let your potential partner share her time between her boyfriend and you?
CHRISTOPHER: Definitely no-no. I will wait until it is all over between them before I make any further advancement. In the meantime, I will still try to gain her affection.
What happens if your partner's other half discovers about you? Will you stay on?
CHRISTOPHER: Yes. It is just a matter of time to be seen and heard. However, I will try to avoid any chances of meeting him. For example, I will see her to the bus-stop if I know her boyfriend is waiting at her flat.
Will you still give others a chance to go after you?
CHRISTOPHER: My option will still be open and I will not give up any opportunities.
ENDING NOTE: I guess Christopher has another point of view in life. Some may agree with him and others may not. I would say that it is not fair for you to close off any opportunities. he or she has the right to choose the path they want. A piece of advice to be shared - life is short, make the best out of the worst. Some of you may have shared the same experiences. To that, I congratulate you if you had survived the ordeal.
We can't change the wind - but we can adjust our sails.

Article reproduced with the kind permission of CHANNELS magazine, a quarterly publication of the Social Development Service, People's Association, 9 Stadium Link, Singapore 397750.

 

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